Hi Progress People,
Saw this post recently from Dr. John Delony (a mental health expert and author I enjoy following):
His suggestions: Let someone over in traffic, pay a stranger’s tab, smile and move on even when you disagree. His closing line is what I’d love to hang out on today: never give away your dignity, your maturity, or your self-control.
“Never give away your self-control” caught my eye because that’s a fruit of the Spirit. I teach it to my kids constantly. And yet… I have a long way to go.
I saw something from John Ortberg that reframed how I’m thinking about the fruit of the Spirit. He wrote this in his new newsletter, Formation:
“In The Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard writes that the fruit of the Spirit — Love, Joy, Peace, and so on, are conditions and not emotions. This is a critical distinction, though it took me a while to get it. In fact, only if I am willing to experience not feeling (for instance, facing stress without medicating myself with alcohol, etc), can I grow into a person who lives in the condition of peace. To use psychological language, the fruits are traits and not states.”
Still chewing on that. Traits, not states. Conditions, not emotions. So in other words, the fruits aren’t feelings that just wash over you on a good day. I can’t will myself to simply be more kind or loving.
This is who I’m becoming. They grow slowly, over time, the more I surrender to God and stay close to Him. Which means self-control isn’t something I perform when I’m feeling patient and well-rested. Or, to use Delony’s example above, self-control isn’t something I can just wish into practice when someone is being obnoxious and I am tempted to snap at them.
Self-control gets built in us the more we walk with him, including in the moments when it’s hard. Which is convicting…but also freeing. It’s the age-old lesson that we have to release outcomes to God. It’s the actual pursuit of him that matters.
One more thing that feels related: Here’s a quick story I heard about Dallas Willard: he was a professor, and once when he was teaching, a student raised their hand and said something offensive. Instead of responding in all his wisdom and knowledge on the subject, Willard calmly and simply ended the class there without responding. Someone asked him after the fact why he didn’t correct the guy (my paraphrase), and Willard said he was practicing the discipline of not having the last word.
Dang. Is that something you think about? Like… Ever? My guess is it’s not the most common thing people are practicing these days. (At least that’s what social media would suggest.)
Personally, I cherish having the last word. I like making my point. Deep down, I like to make it known that I know the answer.
Willard knew that letting it go would be the more God-honoring thing for his soul in that moment. More than correcting the kid, it mattered that he prioritized silence. He chose to move on. I can’t think of a more striking example of self-control.
Another thing that makes me smile is that even the great Dallas Willard was in progress. He was “practicing” not having the last word. How refreshing. It speaks to my whole point with In Progress Family – we have agency here. We get to continue refining how we show up for our families, our marriages, our souls. And if that showing up ultimately points us back toward Jesus… or not.
(Btw, here’s the video where I got that story. A short 13 mins and worth a listen.)I
Final thought: okay, but why is choosing silence so hard, though? Thought about it, and for me, there’s something deep inside that wants to be heard, valued, seen. Too often, my impulse is to reach for words or explanations when I feel misunderstood, or, with my kids, I even reach for volume to get my point across. I do this to feel like I matter. Funny though: counterintuitively, grasping for control is usually the very thing that makes me feel worse afterward. And I already do matter to God. This might be what John meant in his Formation quote: the more I believe and realize I’m loved and held, the more self-control will naturally come out of me. It’s not something to manufacture but rather a byproduct of how closely I’m walking with Jesus.
Delony said it well: silence is majestic. I’m not there yet… but I’m working on it. Fruit takes time to grow.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject, too. You can comment on my Substack and let me know what you’re processing about self-control (or otherwise).
Perfect parents move along. Progress parents only. 💛
In Progress,
Alyssa
P.S. Friend, can I ask a favor? My list hasn’t grown in a couple weeks, and I’m really putting a lot of heart into this thing. I’d love to see more people find this newsletter. Would you do me a favor and send this newsletter to one or two friends who might find it helpful and encourage them to subscribe? It would mean the world. Thanks for believing in this conversation.
