Marriage is such a gift. Captain Obvious incoming: It can also be such a challenge sometimes, too.
But this week I wanna encourage you: don’t lose sight of the blessing it really is.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 tells us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
Makes me laugh because it sounds so practical and business-like, but it’s true. I once heard it said this way: Marriage is a blessing because you get to experience double the joy and half the pain.
I really connect with that phrasing because it’s so heartfelt and true. Marriage gives you someone to celebrate with and someone to carry half the load when it’s too heavy to carry alone. What a breathtaking gift.
This is supported in Galatians 6:2 as well: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
I think too often, we can get caught up in the day-to-day happenings in life and forget to encourage our spouse. Forget to enjoy them, to delight in our union, to recognize their contributions. To see them as the incredible person they are. They’re the one who is always constant, so sometimes we almost become blind to who they are and the things they’re doing. Maybe this is just me (I honestly doubt it is!), but because they’re always there, sometimes you stop appreciating each other, thanking each other, noticing each other.
If a stranger did a good deed for you, odds are you’d not only see it, but you’d profusely thank them because you weren’t expecting it. Their kindness would stand out because it’s unusual.
A spouse’s actions may not be unusual, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t stand out.
Are they excited about something? Be excited with them. Did they do something for you? Acknowledge it.
One recent personal example from our marriage: A lifelong dream I’ve held is to publish my own book. I’ve been enamored by the written word from a really young age.
Last year, John Ortberg asked if I wanted to write a companion guide for a book he’d released, Steps, and I jumped at the opportunity. I submitted it last fall and have since waited for its release (it launches on Oct 13!). Fast forward to this week, I received my advanced copy in the mail! It was so surreal–a dream come true for me.
You know what made it that much more special?
Jake was excited for me. He said a lot of nice things and celebrated the milestone with me. Even though the work was done months ago, he really made it a moment by caring about what I cared about.
He sent me this follow-up text the next day, too:
Listen, we celebrate 9 years together next month, so we’re by no means experts. We don’t have decades under our belts. We don’t claim to have this whole thing perfectly figured out, and I firmly believe marriage is a daily choice more than anything else. It can be hard sometimes.
But here’s what I’ll say.
If things have felt like a slog lately, if the joy of marriage hasn’t quite been hitting the same way, if you haven’t celebrated something in your spouse’s life recently… Do that this week. Try encouraging them.
You don’t need something as big as a realized dream–that’s not reality. Those things don’t happen every day. What I’m talking about are the common things. The little stuff.
Did he or she take out the trash earlier? Thank them.
Did they make your life easier in some way? Notice and call it out.
Did they tell you a story from work that made you feel proud of them? Say so.
And if you aren’t even sure where to start, here’s a simple message you could send them right now:
“Hey, I just wanted to say how glad I am to be married to you. My life would be so much less joyful without you in it.”
It’s amazing how much people just want to be encouraged. At the cellular level, people want to know: Do I matter?
The amazing things is you get to be your spouse’s number one encourager. What a gig. YOU get private access to them that no one else does. I think about this sometimes: in marriage, you are the closest person in proximity to them. In other words, you’re likely shaping their life more than anyone else.
So. Do you shape it with words that lift them up? Support them? Or words that tear them down or make them feel small?
A secret I’ve learned is this: any day can be a special day. Any moment can be a standout moment. You just have to choose to make it one.
I’ll leave you with this: Go out of your way to say or do something that lifts the other one up today. Together, you get double the joy.
In Progress,
Alyssa
By the way, if you’re interested in learning more about the project I got to contribute to, you can check out www.stepsguide.com. (You can also reply if you have questions–I love talking about this subject!) It’s about the 12 Steps of AA and how they can be used by anyone as a spiritual formation framework. John released Steps last year, and this is the companion workbook that goes along with the book. I’m so honored to have been a part.
